You Should Never Mess With a Casson
by Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley
Summary: a police interview reveals why you should never mess with a Casson


_**Police interview with Callum Davis **_

_**August 25, 2011**_

_**Filed by Detective Lee Perry**_

After being treated at the scene Callum Davis denied the offer of hospital care and consented to accompany the responding officers Brown and Adams to the station for interviewing. The interview was conducted by Detective Lee Perry. Callum Davis is a sixteen year old school student of the local comprehensive and doesn't seem to have any gang relations, he has no record with the police however he is known to be a troublemaker at school.

**Detective Perry: **the tape is on, now Callum you don't have to worry I'll ask some questions and you answer.

**Callum Davis: **hey I'm no idiot! I know how this works I do watch cop shows like the Bill.

**DP: **of course you're not. Now Callum could you explain what exactly happened to you today?

**CD: **I broke up with my girlfriend today. It's not that I didn't fancy her anymore; I mean she's gorgeous, leggy, pale skin, sweet face to look at and a nice set of bo-

**DP: **yes we don't need the complete details. Could you just tell us how you got all these injuries?

**CD: **well you see I broke you with her – Permanent Rose Casson, yeah I know kooky name her parents are artists – because I like this other girl. And well she went ballistic! She started throwing all these paint pots at me filled with paint and every time I got close to her to stop her she would hit me or bite me.

**DP: **please note that Callum Davis's clothes are covered in red, blue, green and yellow paint and he does have bite marks on the back of his right hand.

**CD: **dude they know!

**DP: **it's just for evidence son. Now can you tell me what else happened?

**CD: **well her Mum, Mrs Casson came in and she acted like this wasn't happening! She actually said "Rose darling please not the new paints, use the old ones in the fridge/ I'm going back to my shed it's quieter there, bye, bye darlings"

**DP: **ok and then what happened?

**CD: **well then her older sister Saffron and her best friend Sarah came in, took one look at me and began to laugh. And when I told them why this was happening their smirks vanished and they started battering me with the kitchen equipment.

**DP: **please note that Callum Davis has several bruises and a spatula shaped bruise on his butt-

**CD: **yeah you can shut up now mate! That is one thing I don't need the world knowing.

**DP: **I apologise, now then could you tell me what happened next?

**CD: **well then her brother came in with her eldest sister and her husband and kid. And when they explained exactly why they were beating me up with kitchen stuff and paint, the eldest sister – Caddy – burst into tears saying that we were a great couple and we shouldn't break up, she compared us to Romeo and Juliet..._Romeo and Juliet!! _Then the brother suddenly turned round and gave me a punch in the eye!

**DP: **please note that Callum Davis has one black eye. Now then son could you tell me how you ended up on the road?

**CD: **well the husband – Michael his name was – followed me out of the house and when I was crossing the road he ran me over!

**DP: **well the guy meant no harm.

**CD: **NO HARM! NO HARM! I WAS RUN OVER BY A FLIPPING CAR!

**DP: **yes well if he wanted to actually hurt you he would have gone more than five miles per an hour wouldn't he? By the sounds of it he just wanted to teach you a lesson.

**CD: **THE WHOLE FAMILY IS FUCKING CRAZY! The mother lives in a shed painting, the eldest had called her son _Buttercup! _The second eldest is violent, the brother isn't completely there in the head and Rose my ex is completely nutters!

**DP: **hang on did you say Casson?

**CD: **yes.

**DP: **as in Eve Casson, as in _the Eve Casson!_

**CD:** yes what about her?

**DP:** she is the most fantastic woman alive.

**CD**: what?

**DP:** she painted the walls in the holding cells with fantastic views of beaches and countryside. It's lovely, makes me wish I was a criminal sometimes. We're thinking of asking her to do the canteen next summer. Oh and her daughter Caddy, what a darling we dated briefly years ago. Saffy is a bit violent but she is a model citizen the things she's done for charity are brilliant. Don't know much about Indigo but he seems to be a good boy. And Little Rose Casson? Well she's got talent that would challenges her mother, don't know much about the Mr Casson but they're a descent and good family. They look after their own, you shouldn't have messed with a Casson/

**CD:** tell me about it, so what's going to happen?

**DP**: nothing, it was your own fault/

**CD:** WHAT? But that's not fair!

**DP:** life isn't.

_**Interview terminated. **_


End file.
